rising above rock bottom

So far, 2024 has been a very transformational year for me on many fronts. January was just the beginning of a whole new journey. One I didn’t see myself going on quite yet. Sometimes just following the things you’re being gently nudged to entertain leads you to the best places. Places you didn’t expect to go and plans you didn’t have in place. In December, I applied for Personal Brand Accelerator (PBA), a 12-week course with the purpose of building your personal brand. As a result, I have experienced personal growth in ways I never quite imagined for myself.

I quit building what would become my music career in 2017. Now seven years later, my life couldn’t be the same as it had been for nearly a decade. I tried a decent amount of things, but I just couldn’t put my finger on what really made my heart and soul tick after quitting music. I couldn’t see myself jumping on opportunities that didn’t feel good or healthy for me, because I experience life in a multi-faceted manner. The crests and the troughs hit me deeply. I didn’t just want to get by, like I was “supposed to.” I believed I was bigger than those smaller things. I believed my life was meant to be more meaningful than living a typical “regular person” schedule. I’d get bored fast living that way. My existence and overall purpose would slowly plummet. I’d lose my excitement for life in general. I don’t want to lose that. Your life purpose lies in the depths of the soul. Life is not really meant to be sitting at a desk for 40 years and moving to Florida once you’re done. All of life is meant for living, not just the last part of it. Also you only live once (YOLO, duh).

In November, I took a road trip with my family up to Tyler, Texas to see the decent fall foliage East Texas holds within its dense piney forests. While there, the meanderings of my head commenced, wondering if I should just apply for a receptionist job somewhere near my house once I got back. The boredom I had been experiencing nearly came to a head. After that trip, I just knew that something was bound to change.

Last April, my beloved silver Camry I had been driving since I turned eighteen got into an accident. I was in need of a new car for months. Almost two weeks after our Tyler trip, I bought gorgeous 2021 Hyundai Elantra in the “rare” color I had been eyeing since not long after the accident. Ironically, the car was previously a rental car registered in East Boston, Massachusetts. That meant something to me because I have felt an uncanny connection to Boston for years. What a far-away place for someone to drive a car and have a dealer sell it near my house in southeast Houston. No one sells cars from Massachusetts here, it’s so far away. I knew she was meant to be mine (yes I personify my car). I named her Stormi, and now she is mine.

You’re probably wondering why I told the story about my car, possibly questioning if it even fits into this piece. I told it because the day I bought the car was what eventually lead to my PBA journey. That was the day I got the little nudge to connect with Anna Vatuone, the creator of PBA. I had followed her on Instagram since 2021. I always liked her content and saw aspects of myself in a decent amount of it. I didn’t know what to think at first. Was I nuts? While in the process of buying the car, I was scrolling around my Instagram feed and shared a really great post from Personal Brand Accelerator’s Instagram account to my Story. As I was sitting at the car salesperson’s desk, Anna re-shared my story to her personal account! I was so excited. Little by little, I started to wonder if the little nudge to connect with her was right. Low and behold, it was. After a couple of weeks and a really fucked up day, I seriously started to consider applying for PBA. I knew I needed something different than what was physically available near me. I knew I was in need of a change in trajectory. I instinctively knew there was something there for me. I had been interested and aware of PBA for a few years, but once I released my first poetry book, All The Emotions Under The Sun, I really knew I was a good candidate. On December 21, I applied and got an email to schedule an interview with Anna. I was so excited because I was actually going to meet her. Come January 9 at noon Central Time. I logged onto Zoom to see Anna herself and Sachiko, one of the PBA employees. I was so nervous. I instinctively began to feel like I could be myself with them. Who I had been before, who I was at the moment, and who I had yet to become. The “me” that needed a place to live and grow. The “me” that felt like she had lost her footing but needed a nourishing place to walk. That “me” has experienced a lot of personal growth during this time. I really want that “me” to continue her journey. That “me” is also scared of not being under these truly healthy influences she’s gained once the course is through. It’s definitely still hard becoming a “new me,” but it’s more contenting now than it’s ever been previously. At least I feel I can say, “I’m happy becoming her.” I cannot overestimate myself, but that’s my overall feeling about this process.

I always thought every process of transformation would be really painful. This process of “transformation” doesn’t hurt much. It feels nice for once in my life. It’s literally a relief for my soul just being in this situation with these people every week. Being the “me” I am enjoying the process of becoming in front of them. I’m so afraid of it ending. That net of comfortable growth and happiness won’t be there for me like it was for these months. Now I can actually breathe when the thoughts of other possibilities for my future surface, when I couldn’t before. As well as a mere chance of an option I never thought I’d be able to truly entertain, let alone it being realistic.

Alas, I got to start this dream in the comfort of my own home. I’m so happy about the way it has turned out. I got a newfound sense of purpose, filling the places that needed filling and a long overdue revival of myself. This is the most passionate I have been about something since my late teens. I feel I’m going into this journey as “The Fool” in a way. I guess I like to embrace the archetype without thinking about it because it brings me back to the bones of beginning something truly beautiful.